One weird place to find yourself, and a place where I find myself more often than I’d like to admit, is stuck between a desire to be on my own and a desire to be with others. The draw to solitude even in the midst of good friendships, or the dissatisfaction with solitude when alone, drives me crazy sometimes. I often feel as if these competing desires want to pull me apart, as they draw in seemingly opposite directions.
But are they entirely opposed?
Sometimes I get the sense that my draw to solitude stems from something deeper than a degree of introversion. For example, I love working alone on my car, a classic car with more than its fair share of problems, and so I love the chance to lay underneath it, adjusting the valves, or to look at the engine while trying to figure out why it doesn’t run as smoothly as I’d like. Some of my most contented moments come from those hours spent searching for the proper size wrench or replacing worn-out parts. Sometimes I listen to the radio, enjoying classic rock on my favorite variety station, but other times I don’t bring out the radio at all, and I experience a different sort of enjoyment of the silence.
Others have said it before, but it bears repeating: there’s a major difference between being alone and feeling lonely. By “being alone” I don’t mean cutting myself off from others; God himself says in the garden of Eden that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Instead, I mean that I have often experienced the benefits of taking time to reflect while in solitude, even if I end up listening to the radio or wrenching away in silence. We see the importance of some solitude with the life of Jesus; in the Gospels he frequently goes off by himself to pray in solitude.
But here we see the important distinction: in his solitude and distance from his disciples and the crowds which want to see him, Jesus communes with his Father. Even when Jesus goes alone by earthly standards, the rest of the Trinity remains in communion with him.
So it is with us when we seek solitude. How often do we say that we’ve reconnected with ourselves when we find a chance for solitude? Or how often do we need some time away from the hustle of our everyday lives so that we can hear God?
We find communion with the Lord not only when we seek solitude but also when we engage with others in community. Solitude and communion with others each have their own distinct place and role in life but aren’t entirely distinct from each other, and so we shouldn’t fear the tension within the simultaneous draw to solitude and communion, provided that we don’t seek one to the extent that we ignore the other side of the tension. After all, God made us for himself, and we must love him above and before all else, but he also made us to seek community.
Let’s not get discouraged by the oftentimes strange and mysterious draw to both solitude and communion, even when they happen at the same time and in the same moment.